To Beard or Not To Beard? My Facial Hair Theory Goes Public At Last!

A dear friend of mine, Jack, has inspired me to go public with my theory about beards. Jack is about 6 feet 4 inches tall. He is muscular and has a face like a romance novel studmuffin. His cheekbones are chiseled, he has a nice, full mouth, and there is a delicious spark of mischief in his eyes. However, from cheek to collar, Jack’s handsome-beyond-belief face is covered in hair.

All the women I know are at war with his beard. It’s a massive, face-erasing hive of black scruff that women want to torch while Jack is asleep. They all secretly want to kiss him, but they don’t actually do it for two reasons: no one likes chafing, and no one wants to introduce a cave-dwelling bear to their mom. (What if he were to bellow at dinner?)

One day not so long ago, after hours of listening to him go on about how no one would date him, I got up the nerve to ask Jack if he would ever consider shaving his face. He said, “Hell, no, I wouldn’t! Don’t even ask!” When I asked him why he grew the beard in the first place, he said the thing that hundreds upon hundreds of handsome guys have said to me: “I look like a little kid under there, and I don’t like my chin. No one would take me seriously if I shaved my face. No one would respect me.”

That, my friends, is the WRONG ANSWER.

Guys, growing a beard to hide your face is equal to a woman wearing a huge, scary man-sweater to hide her body. Do you want hot girls to do that? I didn’t think so. If you think you have a baby-face and hate it, consider Zac Efron, Taylor Lautner, and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Before you think that they look like sissies or douches, remember that every woman on earth wants to get with them. These men know how to capitalize on their “boyish” faces. They bare their youthful-looking features with confidence. They don’t care what other guys think because they’re famous and they get laid. All the time.

Before you think that I’m just a hater and want all beards to go up in flames, I’m going to tell you how to do facial hair the right way, complete with examples.

Facial hair, like your haircut and clothing, should be a style choice. It shouldn’t be a big, gnarly curtain you use to cover up your face. Think about it… when I say “hillbilly”, you get a picture in your mind of what he grows on his face. When I say “rock singer”, you get a different picture. Get my drift? Any facial hair that you grow projects an image to the public. What image do think the following men project through their style choices? Do you think that how they look is in line with how they want to be viewed and treated? Consider:

-Chewbacca (Wookie.)

-Barack Obama (the president is beard-free. Worth noting.)

-Aragorn, King of Gondor (Has a big sword. Lives in the woods.)

-Osama Bin Laden (Famous hairy terrorist. Osama and Obama are super-hard to confuse, even with similar names, because they have made radically different facial hair choices.)

-Salvador Dali (Crazy artist dude.)

-Frida Kahlo (?)

If your facial hair projects the image that you strive for, congratulations! You’ve done it right! You are a man of style who sets the bar for your scruffier counterparts. If you’re not sure how you are seen by others and you would like to know, be brave and submit a picture of your face to aerieavery@gmail.com. I’ll ask people what their first impressions of you are and get back to you. Then you’ll really know.

In the mean time, get shaving! Or growing. Whatever. Just make sure you do it with purpose and flair! And guys with gorgeous faces, for heaven’s sake, quit covering them up with chubes! If I see much more of that, I’ll have all the sexy women I know wear muumuus every day until you stop.